Saturday, November 10, 2007

My Bank Account versus My Penis

No, I don't have a penis.

Never have and never will.

Didn't even have penis envy, other than one time when I was about four years old and arguing with my best male friend, T, about which, um, gender (? - no, it was more about anatomy) was best, and we ran into my bathroom and he showed me how far away from the toilet he could be and aim. And yes, that was pretty cool and impressed me for about five minutes. (My argument that I could sit down and be comfortable didn't hold the same amount of weight. Darn.)

But I have two e-mail addresses, and one thinks I'm in terrible shape financially and the other thinks I need to build up my penis.

And it's hysterical, because it's not like I get a mixture of these spams between the two accounts: AOL spammers DEFINITELY believe I need financial help. Gmail spammers DEFINITELY believe my penis is too small.

Now, some folks could argue that it all boils down to the same thing. I could get very Freudian here, but some might argue that I'd need a LARGE bank account to account for a SMALL penis, or that if I was sufficiently not the man I should be that my SMALL bank account would match my SMALL penis. And then there's been all that research about the fact that TALL men do better in life then SHORT men, but we're not going to go there, because, after all, this post is all about bank accounts and penises.

Now, according to AOL spammers, I have bank accounts at most of the major world banks. And my security has been breached at all of them. (Note: for those who don't know this is phishing). And if this weren't enough, apparently my investment strategies aren't too robust, either, because I immediately need to invest in a half a dozen "sure" things. But my financial smarts can't be too bad, because I'm also invited to be the representative for any number of international "businesses," where all I have to do is give them my bank account numbers and they'll wire money into my account for "safe keeping." And yes, I do report these spammers, and in a couple of cases, I've called the police and alerted them. But be that as it may, on a bad day, I could definitely be worried about my security, identity, and financial state if I were looking at AOL spamming trends.

In terms of my gmail spammers, I really have nothing to say. Perhaps the name Jen is too confusing. I could really be Jan... or maybe I'm Jens... that could work. But then that is assuming that everyone with the name Jan or Jens needs penis work. I certainly hope not. To condemn an entire category of names worldwide to penis reconstruction, creams or the like would be an awful fate. Talk about predetermination! I just do my daily dump of spam in terms of the gmail - really, these spammers just don't have my number. And I must say, even if I were male, I'm so medicine/surgery phobic (unless those things are REALLY necessary) that the likelihood that I would change a part of my anatomy with anything would be pretty slim to none.

Okay... way too long for a post on penises and faulty financial security. But what about you? What do your spammers target YOU for? Come on... don't be shy... they can't be any worse than mine.


Marianne Arkins said...

Do you have any idea how many weird hits you're going to get from this post? LOL...

Apparently, for the most part, I just need Mega-Dik.


Jenn in Holland said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh, man, I am giggling so much as I read this that the tears will be rolling soon. Love it!
I get spam across the board on my yahoo account, but I would have to say most definitely that they think I should take more drugs. 1 in 5 will be about the pharmeceutical miracles which can be delivered (for a discount) to my door. Come to think on it, some of these miracles may enlarge my penis.
Of course, I have ordered them. Every. One.

anno said...

Oh, you got me laughing! I knew we had something in common!

Fourier Analyst said...

You should have made bubba try it without using his hands!! Works every time!!

The latest spam I rec'd is that I have won the lottery in the UK! And all I have to do is give them my bank account and send them some money for the handling charges and I will get over 1 million British pounds!

Unfortunately, my religion does not let me gamble on such things so I have had to turn them down. Also, sadly, the Nigerians who just need help in converting their currency.

I guess I just won't get rich this way. I may have to start putting adverts on my blog...

Goofball said...

now this was an interesting post :p. I have never really analysed the spam that much. Surprisingly I get most of it at work!

And yes I seem to be in need of viagra, the security breach of my account on unknown banks is also widespread, I need to take a lot of pharmaceuticals and need to buy very suspicious stockoptions


Anonymous said...

I've been getting so many penis-related emails that I realised they obviously must know something I don't, so I checked and -- damnedest thing, this -- found what might be actually be a penis lurking "down there"! (On further inspection, though, I discovered it wasn't.) But I tell you, I'm lovin' the dear sensitive little poems that have started arriving in the MegaDik emails: I mean, what inspired mind would think of rhyming "you've met a girl that's hot" with "you want to screw her dripping twat"? Someone who's clearly mad, bad and dangerous to know, that's who! Lord Byron would be so proud. Love, R xxx

Anonymous said...

I win a lottery everyday. I win a Microsoft contest and a BMW at least once a week. I get all the hot stock tips and the best offers on discounted viagara. My urgent help is required by many foreign dignitaries and I've got dozens of work at home job offers. I also have the opportunity to stop frustrating my partner and find success in bed all while being one click away from the best replica purses on the web.

Man, I love e-mail!

Flower Child said...

Lately I've been receiving a lot of "propositions" from Russian girls. Seems odd, maybe my name is popular in lesbian circles? Maybe they're hoping my husband will check my email? Maybe he can pay with that big fat check we're getting from someone for "safekeeping" their bank funds.

Mikaela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mikaela said...

I love this post. But you shouldn't have labled it all those things. So many weirdos will find this now! And I get a lot of spam from this said to be company that will, in exchange for a decent sum of money, give me an American passport and a green card. "I'm on my way to America".. All credit to them though, because they found the right girl...!

Rebecca said...

hee hee - yes, my gmail account spammers think I need a larger penis too! My life is lacking! Clearly! My penis if far too small and women DON"T LIKE IT! No Matter WHAT they say!

oh well.

Alex Elliot said...

That was pretty funny! I get spam for a larger penis also.

Jami said...

Now I wonder just why it is that women don't get spam for things like "How to increase your shoe closet size" or "Discount shoes and purses - no prescription needed"?

And I've often thought about setting up a real bank account with, like, twenty bucks in it. Then respond to all the phishing emails with the account number missing a couple of digits or something. Then just keep stringing them along, handing out bad numbers and playing dumb, until finally giving them the actual account number AFTER notifying the bank. Story-telling, intrigue, correspondence, busting scammers ... fun times. (Yeah, I'll see about working that into my schedule. It looks like I've got a slot between 3 and 4 in the morning open.)