Friday, September 21, 2007

Too much

This has been a very hard week. A young man we knew, a brilliant scholar and gentle person who had suffered from depression for quite some time, took his life. One of C's classmates tragically lost her father from a fall on Tuesday night. A friend's brother, non-smoking and 54, and with three small children, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and has been brought home to die. Another friend's 71-year-old aunt was given a couple of weeks, at most, after being diagnosed Monday with an aggressive form of brain cancer.

It would have been my father and mother's 49th anniversary this week and his 95th birthday yesterday. He's been gone 15 years from prostate cancer and my sister has been gone 10 years from lung cancer. She didn't smoke, either.

The other deaths bring up these, more personal, losses.

I awoke at 2:00 a.m. with a massive panic attack. I haven't had one in years, and it took me by surprise. Happily, the training I received to rid myself of these attacks kicked in, and I was back to sleep within an hour.

I guess I don't really have anything else profound to say, but I'm not clear how much I'll be around over the next few days and wanted to explain my recent absence.

On the positive side, our weather is glorious and the trees are turning and C is thriving and my friend is coming for a visit next week. So in the midst of a lot of death, life continues.

Give all of your loved ones extra hugs and kisses.


Unknown said...

Your tremendous spirit, as evidenced by your capacity to feel profound grief, will carry you through these bittersweet days of falling leaves.

Marianne Arkins said...

I good writing friend of mine lost her father to cancer two days ago... and yes, I am so very sad for her. But, it reminded me of losing my own to lung cancer sixteen (how can it have been so long ago!) years back.

I doesn't get any easier, really. You always miss them.

I'm so sorry.


Rebecca said...

OH Jen - that is too much to bear indeed, no wonder you had a panic attack. Take care of yourself.

Luisa Perkins said...

Jen, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be well.

soccer mom in denial said...

I too am sending you an big, huge, e-hug.

I got a call last night from a dear friend who has been in and out of the hospital as he grapples with horrific depression. We were fully expecting him to commit suicide this year and bracing ourselves for how to talk about it with the kids.

He sounded better. I hope he has turned a corner but one never knows.

I'm so sorry for what you and your family have gone through, past and present. Just know there are many folks who know the pain and fear you are dealing with.


Betsy said...

Oh Jen, this really is a lot of heartache to have to be going through right now!

I'm thinking of you and sending warmth and big virtual hugs your way. Take care of yourself, OK?

Anonymous said...

Oh Jen, I am so sorry for all of this loss you're experiencing right now. I wish I had something brilliant to say that would make you feel better, but I don't. Sometimes we just have to feel bad until we don't so much anymore. My thoughts are with you.

Fourier Analyst said...

Oh darlin'! Read this after your SOS so know you have been able to get things together if you were able to torture us all with that lovely t.b.c. tale. Yes you have to get through the bad to get to the good and I know you are strong enough to do this. I'm just sorry that you have to. Thought hugs and blessings going your way.

CableGirl said...

Oh Jen, what a rough time. I'm so sorry for the losses of your friends and the anniversary of your familial losses.


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